QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails