Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
cyclists
When your parents check you’re ok.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out