I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
inventing words: clothing
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.