[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.