@birbigs: Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say "furbenglurbrn."
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@david8hughes: A black James Bond? Wouldn't work. He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
@MischievousJam: I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday. BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
@jessicaa1017: Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say "when" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives