Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.