Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord