*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*