@krishna_van: Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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@XplodingUnicorn: My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
@dshack8: I'm the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says "Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?"
@BeagirlNJ: I'm "I lost my car in a parking lot" years old *clicks alarm, clicks alarm* *silence* Am I even in the right parking lot?
@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.