Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
You Might Also Like
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Beards are a privilege, not a right