There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.