hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you