Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
guys i’ve cracked the code
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it