@DurtMcHurtt: Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
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@Abusitron: *runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*
@CelebrityChez: Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying