@DurtMcHurtt: Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
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@ValeeGrrl: At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me "you run fast for someone your age" so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
@davedittell: MY HOT WIFE: want to go down on me? [three minutes later] *riding my wife down the water slide* YEAHHHH
@radtoria: [chicken buying a car] Salesman: Hop on in! You're gonna love these bucket seats. Chicken: OH GOD
@MsLadyLuvBug: It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.