Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
😏😏😏
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.