@DurtMcHurtt: Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
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@sgothreau: What the hell Hollywood? I've never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it's blood.
@Douchekevin: SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home...
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you need a haircut ME: I do not WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping* ME: shhhh, she just had babies
@dysondoc: The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.