Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.