I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
O Wise One….
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.