Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
You Might Also Like
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
love it when they get my name right
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.