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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.