*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Finished stitching this today 😇
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
just witnessed a drug deal
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.