*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Beware…..
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?