Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.