Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home