Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.