Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
i meant to share this earlier
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?