[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?