[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The Joker was right
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.