*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so