Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
thanks auntie mary
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together