Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.