[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
You Might Also Like
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
This made me smile…
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
congratulations to them