me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you