if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Cannot stop laughing at this
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Just how popey was the pope today?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!