“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense