@IamEnidColeslaw: RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT
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@eyeswidebutt: [dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad
@FrogAvalanche: Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls. Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick? Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
@cbdoubleu: Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression. Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania? *gets leg dropped*
@SardonicTart: *Queen bee in hive* "You, go pollinate flowers" "You, go make some honey" "You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol"