RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Pot warmers of the day.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.