Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels