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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
#NoRestForTheWicked
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.