@Ameiam: Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
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@SteveKoehler22: When your wife asks you to dig a hole for her shrub- She'll feel threatened if you make it large enough to hold a body. I know this now.
@Quartzjixler: I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.
@crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
@okimstillhungry: Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs? Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*