Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…