When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
scared to check what name she chose
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.