You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.