Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
You Might Also Like
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.