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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Twitter fine art