RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
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Software Development ⛵️
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
(Musicians.)
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.