*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Lmaoo 😂
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Never let them know your next move 😂
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Bootstraps
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
hey, alexa
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year