The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
when dads have a rap battle
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.