[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
You Might Also Like
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling