Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
these two trucks have the same bed length
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.