@Home_Halfway: Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
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@kuuuuuu: *When I see someone else jaywalk* "What an idiot." *When I jaywalk* "I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself."
@davidkenny100: Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs Later Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation