[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.