Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
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If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands