Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My whole life was a lie.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Why is this me 😫
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.