Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.