Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!