@kelkulus: Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
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@RandomAntics: My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
@markedly: Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair
@ItsAndyRyan: In Heaven Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right
@BonaFideIntent: I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy's the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??