The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job