@kelkulus: Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
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@animaldrumss: Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar? Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers
@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
@themiltron: i couldn't tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
@joemcshutup: Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM