13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
a god among men
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.