Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I’ve had worse
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.